why has starting something become so hard?
on the struggles of starting new goals & the fear of judgement
In January, I decided to start this newsletter.
5 months later, I’m publishing my very first post (this one).
Needless to say, things haven’t exactly panned out the way I wanted.
I wanted to start this newsletter as a creative outlet — a pursuit to work towards outside of my 9-5 job. I enjoy journaling and writing updates to my friends, so a newsletter seemed like a natural choice.
This was supposed to be a relatively easy hobby to take on. When making this Substack, I remember thinking to myself, “okay, typing 800 words into a doc, adding some images, and clicking send should be something I can do in 2 hours, maximum a day, right?”
Well, January passed, and not once did I sit down to write. I didn’t forget about this goal, but I subconsciously avoided it. By the time March passed with still no progress made, my first realization hit — getting from zero to something requires Work.
Writing wasn’t part of my routine at all. No matter how (deceivingly) easy it seemed as a standalone task, I needed to intentionally dedicate energy to making this change happen.
And expending energy = hard stuff.
If I could visualize what starting a newsletter was like to me, it would look something like this:
Getting the ball rolling was tough. I somehow developed this incredible ability to turn any minuscule inconvenience into a valid excuse that would exempt me from writing.
My friend just texted, I should respond. Can’t write.
I’m on 12% battery and the charger is in another room. Can’t write.
I planned to start writing at 8pm but now it’s 8:04pm. CAN’T WRITE.
…you get the point.
While my goal of writing stalled at the foot of this hill, time continued to pass. Weeks rolled by. Friends began asking me when I was going to start posting.
Suddenly, I saw an even larger hill looming on the horizon.
Now that my friends are expecting something, what if they’re disappointed by my writing? Or worse, what if they think it’s actually awful?
This is where my second realization kicked in — self-doubt is a relentless bully.
Why relentless? Because once it gets to you, it latches on. Though I knew that my friends would be supportive and that the spotlight effect was all in my head, the fear of judgment had taken over me.
The unfortunate truth is that the irrationality and terrifying-ness of these fears are insanely well correlated. And if not addressed immediately, they’ll spiral out of hand.
So what changed for me? This post exists now, so somehow I must’ve overcome the terror these obstacles had put me in.
Well, the catalyst of this change is something I call the Chasm of What Ifs.
The Chasm of What Ifs is the pile of goals, experiences, or really any action that I wanted to do at certain points in my life, but didn’t end up following through with.
I’m sure you, and everyone you know, has their version of this chasm. Some examples of what could end up here are:
What if I auditioned for the school play in high school?
What if I said “yes” to that impromptu trip when I was in college?
What if I mustered up the courage and asked that person out?
The existence of all these What Ifs serves as a powerful reminder that regret is more painful, and long-lasting, than the sting of failure.
Yes, all the hills in front of me are daunting. But the alternative of tossing another goal into this pit of inactions was far more terrifying. Had I given up on starting this newsletter, I knew Future Me would be terribly upset at Current-Day Me. And I didn’t feel like disappointing Future Me anymore.
With this mindset shift, I knew I had to find a way to get the ball rolling. I needed momentum.
I started setting more incremental writing goals. Instead of forcing myself to write the perfect 500 words in one sitting, all I asked of myself was to write for 20 minutes, 3 times a week. Write anything. As long as I’m getting words out, I’ll count it as progress.
Zero to something still required Work, but not all somethings are created equal. By making these initial somethings more attainable, I could feel my confidence growing.
Momentum was building.
And once you have momentum on your side, the hills that once seemed insurmountable are suddenly quite insignificant.
This isn’t to say I’ve solved social anxiety, fear of judgment, procrastination, and every and all problems related to starting new goals.
I haven’t. This is still just my very first post.
But making this start is a small win, one that I will graciously accept.
To end this post, I want to share one final illustration. Every time I felt self-doubt creeping in, I would force myself to stare at this drawing. I hope staring at this image long enough will let the message sink in for you too.
Thanks for reading!
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